It ain't easy being weaned.

I remember very clearly, the 5th day of Keelyn's life.

She was born on a Thursday, we came home on Saturday, and on Monday morning, I was alone. Alone with my two daughters, anyway. My mom planned to come help out for the day, but around here, we rise in time to watch the sun peak out across the ground each morning, so she hadn't made it over yet.

I thought I was fine. I scooped my newborn baby up in my arms, carried her as I got Hailey out of bed, to the potty, and downstairs. We watched a cartoon. Hailey drank her OJ. Keelyn nursed. It was time to make breakfast.

I laid Keelyn down in the bouncer, as Hailey wanted an egg. I opened the fridge. I couldn't find the butter. Where was the butter? How could someone leave me alone for the first day without butter? Or moreover, how could someone possibly have left my too-incompetent-to-remember-to-stock-the-fridge-with-butter-before-birthing-a-baby self alone with two children? What was I going to do? Tears flowed over my cheeks like our whole home had just spontaneously turned to dust. This. Over butter.
Obviously that was hormones taking over...and, if you must know, the butter was right in front of me. At the time though, that was not funny.

Now, here I am, a whole year later, and still finding things to cry about. Would ya look at her? She's a regular peach, no? Certifiably cute. What could I possibly have to be upset over?
It's this whole weaning thing. I'm sure I went through this with Hailey, and I apparently blocked it from my permanent memory. Thank goodness I blog now, right? I mean, I wouldn't want to forget a time in my life when I felt miserable, now would I? Better write this junk down!

I'm not miserable all the time, just at the times when she should be nursing, and is instead walking, dancing, singing, reading, or any other -ing she can think of that does not start with nurs.

I had kind of been toying with the idea of maybe starting to hint at possibly weaning. But I was by no means committed. And, silly me, I thought she'd nurse forever until I suggested otherwise. So, I just cut out the 9am(ish) feeding, which was really more of a snack, and often got missed anyway if we were out and about...and I replaced it with a big girl snack like Hailey, and a cup of soy milk. No problem.

Except.

Apparently she likes the freedom or something? Apparently she just hadn't realized yet that other food could now be used instead of sitting around with that nuisance of a boob attached to that Mommy lady who always wants hugs and kisses when there are toys to be played with. And books. Books to be read.

Here we are two weeks later, and it's all I can do just to suggest that she might consider nursing for 30 seconds or so before nap to take the edge off for me. And she even acts like she's doing me a favor. It's like, okay, I guess, but just for a minute. I do have things to get to around here you know. And I'm all, well gee, thanks, glad I could be there for you those first 12 months. Check ya later. And then I go cry.

There are a few times when she'll still nurse whole-heartedly. They are half-way through her nap when she wakes up from the crib, and comes to fall back asleep on the couch in my lap...and half-way through the night (somewhere around 4am) when she wakes up from the crib, and comes to fall asleep in our bed. Both of those feedings are ones I'd kind of like to drop for obvious reasons...yet I suddenly feel myself in not so much of a hurry. She grabbed the bull by the horns on this one. It's all her. And so I figure, in due time. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy what's left of my baby.