And it has been FOUR years.

Dear Hailey,

As I look over the pictures from your last birthday, I realize how BIG I thought you were then, and how little you actually were. I guess in a way, it makes me realize how little you still are now.

Four seems like such a huge number. It's not a toddler number like three, it's a big kid number like you are now closer to school age than you are to birth. Yet, as big a number as it may seem, you are still so small, so new to the world. You learn new things every day, experience parts of life for the first time moment after moment. The amount of personality, sincerity, excitement, and love wrapped into your tiny body fills me with awe.

This past year has been wonderful, and filled with so many special moments. There was your first movie, your first show, your first really big snow, your first camp out, your first dance recital, your first swimming lessons, and your first day of preschool. Whew. Getting to four was a big deal. I guess that's why it seems like such a big number.
You continue to be a child filled with emotion. You are as openly expressive as you are understanding of others, and as compassionate as a little person can be. You listen carefully, you pay attention to details, you take great care of your mommy, daddy, and baby sister. You have a warm spirit and mean well with all you do.
You've grown in this past year, in ways I couldn't have imagined. You've become more independent. You're so brave. Things that one year ago would have left you clinging to my leg in desperation, now make you excited. My heart melts, as I now regularly see the funny, outgoing Hailey I've always known at home, out and about, sharing herself with others. You have opened up in this year to allow yourself to have so much fun, and I am so proud of you.

Perhaps the biggest obvious step you've taken is to start preschool. You looked forward to it all summer, pointing it out each time we passed. You talked about how you would make new friends, and paint, and sing songs. Now you are doing all of those things, and loving it. You never spent a moment being worried or scared. You trusted yourself. You knew you could do it. And you did. You go to school every day with a smile on your face, and come home talking about the fun you've had. You are making great friends and getting so much out of being a preschooler.

Your favorite things include dresses, chocolate, dancing, and Keelyn.

You have willfully worn something other than a dress approximately four days since turning three, and on those days, it was something you call a "shirt-dress" because it is a shirt that looks like a dress, only requires pants. In the afternoons when you wake up from your nap, you take your time climbing out of bed and getting dressed, often in one of your favorite pairs of "comfy pants" which are not to be confused with real pants, because they are worn strictly around the house, so as not to have anyone actually see you in something other than a dress. Lately you have decided that sneakers are best to wear to school so that you can run on the playground, and you simply wear them with ruffled socks, so that they still match your dress. Though it's sometimes tough to see the cute little jeans and bright t-shirts sit silently in your drawers, I secretly love this about you, and hope you wear dresses for as long as you enjoy them.

You love chocolate. Chocolate milk. Chocolate bars. Chocolate dip. Chocolate anything. You never go a day without asking for it. You rarely go a day without eating it.

Ballet class continues to be the highlight of your week, and lately you're really getting into it. You've recently given me lessons on first and second position, tondu, jete, and various other things you may or may not have learned in class. It's adorable. You dance around the house, singing to yourself, or jamming to Lyle Lovette, who happens to be your newest favorite. You love music and singing. I can hear you singing yourself to sleep across the hall as I write this. One of my favorite times of every day. Something I've grown accustomed to over the past four years, and hope you'll continue right along with the dresses.

You love your baby sister. You treat her like she's your own. You are protective of her. You do sweet little things for her every day, like pick out the Elmo diaper you know she'll like, or fold up her blankie so it fits on her shoulders, or lay out a puzzle for her to do. You love to play tea party, and dress up, and baby dolls with her, and she emulates your every move. The two of you read stories, play hide-and-seek, giggle, jump around on pillows on the floor, have dance parties, snuggle for cartoons, run like nuts around the house, and yack back and forth in your own little language all day long. You are an awesome big sister, Hailey. You love with every ounce of yourself. In fact, the ways you actively love her are innocently inspiring.

The most adorable thing you do lately, is pretend to teach us preschool. You get super bossy, but in a completely lovable way, as you tell us where to sit, how to hold our hands, when to sing, and how to follow your orders. You take your pretending very seriously. Pretty much every game we play now involves you being our teacher. You are really very good at it. I'm pretty sure at some point in your future, you will find yourself a leader. People will listen to you.

Not a day goes by that you don't make me laugh. I mean really laugh. Sometimes it's an innocent comment or question about the world around you. Sometimes it's your inability to tire of the same silly things each day. Sometimes it's just your expressions, the inflection in your voice, or a moment of shared understanding.

Conversations with you have become much more real and effective. You can sit with us at dinner and recall your day, telling stories and answering questions clearly. You understand intangible concepts, and seek answers about everything. You have the memory of an elephant. I often wonder how much of your life right now you will remember in 20 years, and I have to believe it will be a lot. You can recall entire conversations from days ago. You know what you were wearing last year on your birthday. You can recite a song in full, immediately after learning it in school. You get the details in everything.

You like to be in control. Sometimes it's hard for you when that can't be so, but most of the time, it proves to be a wonderful strength in character, and I hope to nurture it as such. You anticipate everything, get clear pictures in your mind, and allow events to play out in front of you as you expect. You are organized. You keep things clean. You keep things together.

You love bags. You have about 348 of them. Each is packed strategically with specific items only you could ever need, and always do. A cell phone for a walk outside with baby Emma. A mirror for a quick glance at yourself before going to a party. A ribbon just in case you need to measure something. Play money in case we come to a yard sale. If we aren't going anywhere, you pretend we are, for the sake of packing a bag or two dozen. You have bags packed all over the house. Chances are, if something is lost, it's not lost at all...it's just in a bag. And most of the time, given some thought, you know the exact placement in the exact bag, and you know exactly where that bag is. And there's a reason for said placement, so we bag-carrying layman are best to leave it alone. The end.

You will do just about anything to humor me, given the right mood. You'll let me braid your hair. You'll sing a song. You'll entertain Keelyn, or grab a diaper to help us out. You'll visit three stores to find just the right item. You are an awesome shopper. You love to run out with me on the weekends or in the evenings for a quick trip somewhere when necessary. You love to give me your opinion. You love to help me carry the bags. You love that time, and I do too.

You love anything pink. You like to talk about the day when we can get a dog. It will be a pink and purple one. You like to talk to Daddy on the phone during the day. You like to color. You like to write. You like to read books. Especially books about princesses and ballerinas. You love to watch The Little Mermaid. You like to pick flowers. You like to run on the golf course behind our house. You love to go for walks in the rain. You like to play alone in your room in the afternoons. You like cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

You eat an apple almost every day. You sleep well into the seven o'clock hour in the mornings now, and look forward to a good two hour afternoon nap. You like to play memory games on the computer. You like Mickey, and Dora, and The Backyardigans. You like Taylor Swift and Sugarland. You like hair bows and leggings and ruffly socks and jewelry. You love Diva. You love to have your back rubbed.

I love your sense of humor. I love your constant kisses and daily need for cuddling. I love your self-awareness, your kindness, your need for peace.

I love your smile. I love your big blue eyes, and the way they dance when you talk. I love the way you move your hands when you tell a story, and the way you cross your legs when you are engaged in a conversation. I love the independence you've acquired over this past year. I love the way you've come out of your shell a bit. I love to see other people getting to see what I've seen all along. I love all you have to offer the world, starting with the little friendships you are learning to make right now. I love how you light up when we have time to play a game in the evening. I love your ever-willingness to contribute to our home by cleaning up and making your bed. I love the person you are becoming as you grow. I love that I can still see bits and pieces of who you were when you were born. I love that I am so lucky to get to see where the next year will take you.

You are a joyful, energetic young girl. You are FOUR. You are a big girl! But, you are still my little one. You are still little. I love that you still need me. I love that you are still little. Thank you for sharing these past four little years with me, as they've been the biggest of my life.

Happy fourth birthday, Hailey.

I love you with all my heart.

Love, Mama