On being home

I didn't take any pictures today, but this pretty much sums it up. She was happy, really, but generally annoyed at herself for being so tired she could hardly walk straight. I got that look every few minutes, in between crying and laughing. The great news is that she ate and drank much better, and slept well last night and throughout the day. Her weight was only down minimally at the doctor's office today, which is encouraging. This whole thing just generally knocked her out.

I had a few moments to reflect today on the entire experience. I had no idea when I left for the ER on Tuesday, that we were in for such an ordeal. I was expecting a quick exam, a quick IV, and home just as quickly. I had no idea she'd be terrified repeatedly, and that her face would swell from the amount of inconsolable crying...that she'd cling to me the way she did. I literally did not put her down unless it was for a weight check for the full 24 hours, other than the time I came home to take a shower, during which Andrew didn't put her down either. I don't know if I didn't think it through, or if I just didn't know what to expect in the first place. My happy, happy baby...crying and crying and crying. And each time she'd get calm, in came another scrub-covered reason to cry. I had no idea she'd be so exhausted. I had no idea we'd be cuddled up for the night together in an "isolation room," unable to move in more than a five foot radius with the IV tubes. I had no idea how much my girls would miss one another. I'm just so grateful we got to come home last night. I'm so glad I got to spend my day with both girls today...and they with each other. It was a short time in the scheme of things, but Keelyn and I really missed our normal life.

I'm thinking tomorrow she'll be even better, and I'll be posting smiles.

Keelyn's Visit to the Hospital

***UPDATE***

We are home tonight. The doctor decided that since the fever has stayed down, and Keelyn is eating and drinking a little, she can finish recovering at home. Thank goodness. I don't know if she or I could endure another night in a cramped pull out chair, quarantined in a hospital room. (We had an infant room, meaning it had a crib (which was actually a cage) rather than a nice twin bed for us to share. No way she was getting in that cage...even for diaper changes...so we slept together in the plastic pull out chair they have for parents to "sleep" in if they choose to stay with their kids. They pumped her with enough fluids for a two week surplus anyway. Seriously, I don't know where it all went. Anyway, she was extremely excited to leave the hospital, and equally excited to walk the floors of her own house this evening...and now she is sleeping peacefully in her own cozy bed. We're all tired. Long day. I can't believe yesterday was only Tuesday, today only Wednesday...seems like decades ago that I slept in my own bed. Thanks for everyone's concern.

***END***
Some readers know Keelyn's been sick, some know I took her to the ER at Wake Med last night, and I have some emails that I can't really reply to individually right now...SO...

Keelyn started diarrhea on Monday. Fever Tuesday. By Tuesday 6pm it had been 12 hours of no wet diaper, continued fever and diarrhea...and she wasn't eating or drinking.

We went to the ER, and at about 11pm, after some blood work, about a liter of fluids and still no wet diapers, she was admitted to the children's unit to remain on IV fluids for the night. Lots of crying, but after tons of poking and prodding (and finally peeing ALL OVER ME WITH NO DIAPER ON at midnight...18 hours since the last wet diaper), we curled up for some sleep.

She had a rough morning, and we are both exhausted, but she perked up a lot at lunch, ate some food, and actually drank about 2oz of water. I was finally getting some giggles out of her, and they unhooked the IV for a bit so she could move around more freely, which made a huge difference in her overall spirits. No diarrhea yet today, so we're keeping our fingers crossed that she'll keep all this fluid in, and have energy and interest for eating and drinking more later this afternoon. She should be fine...the doctor is almost positive it is just a virus that really hit her hard, and the dehydration just made things worse.

I'll post more later...probably spending one more night in the hospital. Please just keep her in your prayers.

Gushing with Gratitude

This week, I am thankful for...

...impromptu naps, and the ability to do so anywhere...
...curiosity... ...uncontrollable giddiness... ...hearing the stories she tells her dollies when we walk, and knowing how safe she must feel.

Not what she thought it would be.

The dresses lay in clear bags across the back of the room. She could see them as she peered around the door to walk in. Her very first ballet costume was among them. Fabric of pink and green sparkled as her teacher removed each dress and called the name of each little girl. Hailey walked across the circle of her friends, and stepped into her costume ever so delicately...smiling ear to ear. She stared across the floor to the wall covering mirrors, in awe of herself. She was a flower. She'd always wanted to be a flower. The flower was her destiny.

* * *

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Hailey, LOVES her ballet class...and, I credit a lot of her new found comfort in many situations, to what she's learned in ballet. It's given her confidence. It's taught her to cope with the unpredictable. And most importantly, it's loads and piles of fun.

For the past week, she's talked every day about how this week they were going to get their recital costumes, and this week, the mommies and daddies would get to see, and this week, it was going to be so amazingly, uncontrollably, out of sight kind of fun. They would be flowers. She would be a flower. In the back of my mind, this kind of talk from Hailey always weighs heavy on my heart. I've learned of her in her short 3 1/2 years of life, that when she builds something up (whether we build it with her, or try to talk it down to normal), she often crumbles when the time comes to actually have the fun we've had so much fun talking about. Not always, but often.

So. Tuesday came. We went to ballet. She, along with all her girls, got in her costume. We watched from the window as the girls twirled and giggled with glee. They knew this was special.

Then the parents walked in to watch up close. Many of the girls ran to their mommies for hugs and compliments. Hailey stood in her spot, and I could almost see the room spinning out of control around her as I imagine it must look in her eyes. I could see her smile growing heavy. Her body closing in.

As they started their dance, I watched my girl, who normally leads the pack with every step, stand still. She tried to walk to the next position, but she was frozen. Her eyes began to tear as she turned to me, her arms tucked in across her body. Her tears grew frantic, and I snuck across the floor to her rescue. She was too overwhelmed even to bring herself to me. She curled up in my arms, clinging like she was back in her first day of ballet class, all over again.

It was just too much.

What I truly love about her, is that after we've talked it out, and discussed how "not a big deal" the whole thing is, she's always able to go about things like normal again. She still loved her ballet class. She still loves her costume. She still wanted to twirl around the house in it later that afternoon.

Now. Will she feel this way again at her recital? I don't know. I'm working on helping her understand how "not a big deal" the whole deal is, so that maybe she'll find the confidence to beat whatever it is that's holding her back. But it's a lot...and it's not what this whole thing is about in the end. Just another time when I wish she were more clueless, less perceptive, less focused...for her own good.

I just know how she'd feel if she accomplished it...the whole recital thing. And in so many ways, for so many reasons, I want her to feel that.

But for today, I leave you with a little snippet of her twirling...at home...as happy as any little flower could ever be.

A Moment in Time

I look at this face, and it makes me smile. I love this age. I love the affection, the determination, the independence, the thought. When I look at Keelyn, somewhere in my heart I am able to enjoy the memories of another little person.
This little person. I can remember her own affection, determination, and heart.
She's not the same little person any more, though little, none the less. But different. She's older. I watched her come running at me, full force down the backyard yesterday, and I was immediately taken back to a memory of her about two years ago, doing the exact same thing. That same big smile, pouring out giggles and silliness. The same feeling in my own heart, knowing how lucky I was that she...this amazing gift...was running to me. As her body crashed into mine, I found myself in the moment...now holding a 3 1/2 year old girl. How quickly that time passed.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I might have thought, had someone told me my senior year of high school, that this is where I'd be a mere ten years later. That I'd have a husband and two daughters. That I'd be worried about paying bills, and installing car seats, and children's Benadryl. That I'd have friends who've lost babies, who've been divorced, who've moved across the ocean. The truth is that it would have been overwhelming for my 18 year old mind.

And so is the thought that my little 14 month old, who is now gleefully running in that same backyard, will in two years be another version of the big sister she follows. That she'll be talking, and whining, and dancing, and inventing questions to ask about the world. And that the big sister will be a new version of herself by then...one my imagination cannot fathom.

This is my make up drawer.
It was recently invaded by all manner of chapstick available on the market, necessary for application while Mommy does the same, in a more grown up fashion. A few days ago, Hailey quietly helped me get ready for an evening with Andrew, as she selected my shoes, commented on my clothing choices, and joined me in my primping rituals. In that moment, I caught a glimpse of that version of her waiting in the wings. That sweet smile that she'll carry through her life, that cute voice and delicate touch that she's had since she began. I really can wait to meet her. I'm not in a hurry at all. If I could freeze her this way forever, I might.
But I know I'll keep saying that. And I know that each moment in her life will bring something new and beautiful. For now, for both my girls, I'm just happy they're them.

Sunday Gush

The night President Obama was elected was historic. One of those moments where 20 years from now, I'll still remember what I was doing...and I would regardless of what that was. But friends, I'll also remember it for a different reason. It was night number four-thousand, six-hundred and eight-two of listening to Keelyn cry. Okay, maybe it was more like somewhere in the beginning of a couple hard weeks. All I know is that it was during the time when she was about 9 months old, and we were trying to sleep train so that she would sleep all night long, including sleeping through her normal 4am waking, that meant coming to bed with us.

That night, Andrew was out of town, and we'd gotten far enough with things that Keelyn was sleeping straight until 4am, with little help, which really was an improvement, even though it was a hard road. But that 4am wake time wouldn't go away. It was ingrained in her body. So, at the suggestion of so many people, I tried letting her cry it out (extinction-style, a.k.a. NOT-my-style) from 4am until my "reasonable wake time" which as about 6am. I caved under the pressure of other people's suggestions and ideals out of desperation and exhaustion. And I think I needed to, in order to feel more vindicated in my own beliefs about how my family should look, and about exactly who my baby was and what she needed. Every doctor and person told me she'd never cry that whole time, and if she did, it would only be the first day, and if she did that, it would be over in three days, TOPS. They were all wrong. So, after much time sitting in front of the TV at 4am watching CNN and every analyst alive talk about the election, somewhere in the vicinity of more than a few days later (meaning much past my comfort level) I decided she'd probably cried enough. For at least a few months.

I worked on naps beginning a few weeks later, and by sitting in her room as she fell asleep every day for a little more than a month, she now goes to nap time tear-free. If it's an off day, I can put her down, confident she'll calm quickly. We did what worked for us, all popular methods out the window...and it worked for us. With naps going well, and only one waking at night, everyone was pretty happy and rested.

But recently, the 4am thing has become an issue because SHE's NOT GOING BACK TO SLEEP when she comes to bed with us. It used to be the only way we all got sleep, and good cuddle time, of course. Now, it's, "Hey Mommy! You wanna jump around the bed a bit?...Since we're up and all..." Partly because she doesn't nurse then any more (by her own choice).

Anyway, at the beginning of the week, the grouch in me convinced the fearful side of me to try again and see if she could sleep in her crib all night long. It was no longer allowing the sleep we all needed, but instead, depleting it, and leaving behind a groggy, grouchy, me, and a baby who could barely keep her eyes open all day. T. I. R. E. D.

This week I'm gushing about a baby who slept through the night!!! Well, kinda, sorta, anyway. She woke up a few times last night, but cried only briefly before going back to sleep on her own...all the way until 6:30 this morning!!! Last night was night two. The first night, when she woke up, Andrew went in for gentle reassurance, and she was asleep within five minutes or so. He had to do that twice. Last night, she managed it all on her own. It's not a done deal yet, but I think we're close. Obviously she wasn't ready before. I'm thankful that we've been able to adapt and do what fit for us best up until now, and I'm thankful that we all seem to be ready to make a change for what will fit best as she gets older. And, I'm thankful for sleep.

Red & White Game

Today we took the kids to their first Wolfpack football game...the Red & White Spring Scrimmage. They learned firsthand about tailgating...(with the ever so healthy BoJangles, of course!)...And we saw the fountain, which had them both mesmerized...Then we went in to watch the game, which for Hailey meant a lot of lap time between Daddy, Uncle Cooper, and myself...And for Keelyn, meant playtime in between the bleachers.It was so great to take them to a low key game, and let them experience the excitement and spirit of college football. It also made me feel very old. Back in the day, a football game was entirely different...and I don't mean the part on the field.

Embarrassing myself one blog post at a time.

So, I've embarrassed myself here before when describing my child-like imagination, and further, my sheer inability to reason with said imagination. What I didn't tell you then, is that not only does my imagination run wild, but I immediately think that the worst possible scenario is about to present itself.

Example. Let's pretend, say, that I came home from running errands with the girls. And then, I don't know, maybe I turned off the alarm, or maybe I had forgotten to set it. And there was a noise coming over the baby monitor in the kitchen.

First of all, you must know that if I enter the house and don't hear the alarm, I whole-heartedly assume that this is because someone else turned it off, and that person must be sitting in my living room awaiting my return home. I'm totally rational about the whole thing.

Mind you also, Andrew is in Virginia working. It's Tuesday, and he's already put in 30 hours this week. And he just took a pay cut. So, of course, it would be my luck that the Boogie Man would make an appearance, no? Just what we need...we lose our health insurance, and now I've got to fight off a Boogie Man without breaking a bone? I'm not Super Woman, ya'll. Shocking. I know.

So back to the kitchen. I convinced myself, I mean, hypothetically, I might have walked up the stairs to see what the cat was up to. But what would you have done if you could see halfway up the staircase that the cat was sound asleep, only the mysterious noise was getting louder and coming from your bedroom? I mean, if you happened to be in that situation, would you not have run downstairs, called your mother, picked up your children from their dinner plates, and high tailed it onto the porch?

Don't judge me. I'm just sayin'...hypothetically.

I'll tell you what you'd do. You'd do what any logical woman in her right mind would do. You'd call the nearest man. And that's exactly what I did.

Enter Ryan to the rescue! His wife kindly lent him to me for all of five minutes that it took to walk to my house and up my stairs, equally aware of the noise coming from the bedroom.

Let's pause here for a second. I don't mind admitting to you now that this is not a hypothetical story, and here's why. He heard the noise, too. Until then, I thought it was entirely possible that I was just losing my mind. Or maybe it was a squirrel. In my bathtub. That would have made for some good writing.

But alas, it was not a squirrel, and I am forced to take advantage of my own humility.

The noise again.

We stood in the bedroom for a few seconds, waiting to hear it again and choose the next step. And there it was.

The printer...apparently possessed, and running back and forth...loudly because the drawer was open. Loud enough to be heard over the monitor across the hall. Loud enough to convince me that a big scary man most certainly had found his way into my house and was in my closet trying on dresses.

Because that's what he would be doing. Trying on dresses, or maybe twirling around in our abnormally large bathroom. There's not a thing in my house worth taking.

Except maybe the printer.

Easter Gush...

Because really Easter is about recognizing God's grace is all around us. Because the life I see before me is full of promise forever. Because I see His work in my children's eyes.

And because a good Easter Egg Hunt is so much fun!

Every day's a holiday with...

Growing up, Pullen Park was always one of my favorite treats, and taking my kids there now is no different. It's straight out of the scenes of Mary Poppins. From the shady trees covering blooming flowers and happy ducks, to the carousel and train, all it's missing is a few waddling penguins.

Hailey was thrilled to be there.
Her very favorite part was the boat rides. The first time around was a warm up, and I am so proud of her for jumping in even though she was nervous...because, as you can see, by the second time she was woopin' it up.Keelyn clung onto me for dear life on the train and carousel, because, you know, I see it my duty to continue the tradition of finding new ways to terrify my kids. But...she did quite a bit of dancing to the carousel music from the walkway nearby, and as you can see, she sure loved the man holes!
And she had a great time with her big sister.
And then: BEWARE OF WANDERING BABIES...
Keelyn realized it was really funny to put her blankie over her head and wander around the house until she either, a) ran into something, or, b) fell down, or c) all of the above. Of course by the time I got the camera out five minutes into the game, she'd grown a little smarter and was walking more cautiously, but it was still a hoot. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. So, enjoy laughing at my ridiculous kid!

First I'll blame the economy, then I'll give it a boost...

Actually, first, I'd like you to note how incredibly adorable my children are.
Great. Now. Keep that image in your head as you read on about what an idiot I am.

I've been blaming everything on the economy. Last week I did a load of laundry and managed to miss two rather large stains on Hailey's clothes before putting them in the dryer. I never do this. I don't care if it was a four dollar shirt. It was cute. And it was a shirt. My mind just isn't where it should be. I'm drifting off into What Are We Gonna Do If Land, instead of This Is Your Life Right Now So Pay Attention To It Ville. And so the clothes got stained.

There was a doctor's appointment today. For some reason, I put the kids in the car in reverse order. And the bags on the opposite sides. Again, my mind is drifting. I'm not myself.

Then...and here's where I'd like you to revert back to that cute picture of the kids, as you glaze on over the next few words...

I ran over my stroller.

So, yeah. Let's talk about my kids some more...

What? You think Keelyn's smile is awesome? Huh? I know! Isn't Hailey's hair getting so long and beautiful! And, yes, they play that well together all the time. They adore each other.

Oh? The stroller? You want to know about the stroller? Hmmm. It's the one I got when Hailey was born. I've desperately wanted a new one anyway. And, no, this was not a tricky ploy to go shopping, though I'll agree to look the other way if you steal one from my playbook. Truly, I want about 10 strollers. The fact that we don't have a garage has saved us a lot of money in the stroller industry. But now. I must get one.

It was behind my car...pretty much touching the bumper. I hardly touched the accelerator. Really, I just kind of rolled onto it, and it wasn't until my car stopped moving, that it hit me...I hit it.

It crumpled under my car like a cheap piece of tin foil. Crinkled like a soda can under foot.

And there was this girl watching it happen with a look of disgust that I can't quite get out of my head. It wasn't pity. It wasn't NO! Wait! Stop! You're about to hit your stroller, either. It was, OH MY GOD. That girl is such a dumbass. She totally just ran over her stroller. Who gave her those kids to take care of anyway? Could she not see it behind her car? No, thank you, kind teenager. I could not.

And, no, it can't be fixed. Only three of the four legs now touch the ground. One is broken.

In half.

I'm officially in the market for a new one. You're welcome, stroller industry.

SO, AREN'T MY KIDS DELICIOUS?

Gushing with Gratitude

Okay people. I am loving the emails I've gotten, and thank you to the few people who've also posted their own gratitude posts (I'm flattered that anyone has responded at all!)...but we can do better, can't we? I know there are more of you out there who have things to be thankful for (your eyes that allow you to read this, for instance)(or, say, your cat)(or, if you don't like cats, then the fact that you don't have a cat).

I was thinking about ways to get more of you to actually participate. I could do a giveaway! Yay! Free stuff! But then, I don't have one, and I can't buy one. Plus, that's not the point. The gift is in the feeling you get from speaking out loud about the great things in your life, and reminding yourself to find those things on a daily basis. Oooh! Maybe there's a free gift after all. Huh?

I could pull the funny card, and make you laugh so hard that you can't help but participate...but I'm kind of out of that kind of funny today. So I thought instead I'd pull the bug-you-about-it-until-you-just-give-in card. And maybe toss in a side of guilt.

In case you're new, or you don't know what I'm talking about, or you just plain old need the step by step instructions...click on the button on the left side panel over there. Don't make it more complicated than it is. Once you do it once, it's a breeze. Copy the first text link, and paste it in your blog the same way you would create any other link (in the html editing screen). Then do the same with the second. Then write your entry. Then copy and paste the url of your entry on my comments for this entry. Any day of the week. When ever you feel extra thankful.

As for me this week. I have a whole long list. But mostly, I'm thankful just simply for the time I have in the every day moments with my girls, and the fact that Andrew works so hard so that I can be here with them, and they can spend these first few years of life in their warm, safe home. I am so gosh-darn lucky to be here with them and watch them grow. Sometimes it's a love fest. Sometimes we drive each other bonkers. But it's never dull. It's never predictable. It's always special.

Here's a quick clip from about 8am one morning last week. It's short because the camera ran out of juice, but really, if you just sit at your computer and click "replay" about 40 bazillion times, it'll be like you were right there with me.
I'm not exaggerating. 40 bazillion. Then break for snacks, and then again. It's like if there's no noise, we might all implode. Like they have to do this for the greater good. Like we can't survive in silence. I really think they think that. And as much as it makes my head spin, after 3 1/2 years with the noise, I'm not sure I could survive in silence.