A Dangerous Affection for the Smell of Dreft

Lately I've found myself looking for anything and everything I can possibly find to keep myself busy. Busy, because busy means I am not sitting around thinking about Hailey going to preschool. I know, I'm beating this one into the ground. But it's SO BIG for me.

It's big to think that after almost four years of knowing exactly what she's doing every moment of every day, I will lose a whole 3 hours, 3 days a week. And then, more and more of her time will be spent away from me, from now until eternity. Have I taught her enough to let her fly away a bit? Did I arm her with all a little almost-four-year-old can be armed with?

This time with her has gone so quickly.

I am immeasurably grateful for the fact that I have gotten to spend all the time with her that I have. Even on the difficult days. Even on the days when we were days upon days of endless tantrums and frustrations and sensory overloads. In fact, I can't imagine entrusting those days to anyone else. But especially on those amazing days of discovery, and on those amazing days of endless hugs and kisses, and on those amazing days of sharing laughter with my very own daughter. I'll take my house with no more room. I'll take shopping consignment sales. I'll take basic cable. All of that meant that I could stay home with my babies. All of that meant I'd be here for everything...and now Hailey...who a mere 4 years ago weighed only 5 1/2 pounds...is not a baby any more. She's not even a toddler.

So quickly.

And I thought I was paying attention. I thought I was savoring the experience. I thought I was holding on to each moment. Still, the moments pass.

I have this thing for the smell of Dreft. It's so subtle on newly cleaned clothes, but it has a very distinct smell when you open a drawer that has been closed a while, or a bag of clothes that have been put away for another season. I guess it's the smell I associate with my babies, and it can bring a little tear to my eye on the right day.

The right day came yesterday. I managed to make a huge laundry faux pas, making a few of Hailey's white items a nice new shade of pink. I found myself spending my entire day trying to remedy a problem that still isn't fixed. The thing is, the time it took me to attempt to make it right...the money it took to run extra hot loads and use extra special laundry chemicals...the stress it caused me...it was all for not. I didn't fix it. And what's more, Hailey doesn't really mind. But it was that which kept my attention away from what's really going on. It was that which I felt flustered over. It was that which I allowed myself to obsess over instead of this impending change. And in case I'm not being clear here, I cried over pink t-shirts. Wept.

I spent another part of my day, unpacking some of Hailey's fall clothes to hang in Keelyn's closet. That lovely smell of Dreft swept across the room and carried me back to the little moments I remember in each outfit. A play date with a good friend. A quiet rainy day at home. A messy spaghetti dinner. It's amazing how much I remember, yet I'm still afraid I'll forget. Some day those memories will be so distant.

I had decided a few weeks ago, that we would post all of our big baby stuff on Craig's List. We have a bouncer, a swing, a high chair, an exersaucer, a bassinet, a bath tub, a car seat, and a bumbo seat, all spread between our attic and my mom's. They're just collecting dust. They're just aging out of style. Andrew and I are both so happy with our two girls. We love our family of four. We love the kids' relationship with one another. We love having a one to one ratio. Our family feels complete, safe, happy, and for us, perfect. Yet there's still this part of me that can't close that door. I couldn't sell the stuff. I got all ready, and I broke down in tears. I decided I'd wait until it feels right. It seems it should be cathartic in a way. Moving on, making room for what life is now. But I just can't close that door.

Meanwhile, life is moving on whether I like it or not. And, though I realize this entire post is a bit of a downer, I DO like it! I love seeing the little person Hailey is becoming. I love knowing she will make friends and learn about herself outside of home. I love that she'll have time to be creative, and time to be independent, and time to be a kid. I AM EXCITED. But I'm also in denial. As I was taking those clothes out for Keelyn to use this winter, it occurred to me that she herself is halfway to where Hailey is now. Two more years, and I'll be sending her off to preschool. Two more years, and she'll be a big girl.

I promise a happier post very soon. Maybe one that will freeze these moments in time, since that seems to be what I want to do. But for now, this is my place. I'll be spending the rest of this cozy rainy day watching old videos and telling myself it will all be okay. It will all be okay.

The first year of many, when Fall is here before the weather changes.

The honeymoon is over, and I have a very strange feeling about what the next few weeks will hold. It's the first time in a while that I've felt like the future is completely unknown. It's known, in that Hailey will start preschool, and everyone's lives will change (at least for us three girls), but I just don't know how yet. Hailey had her first day back at ballet today. She was completely thrilled to go, with no worries, and only excitement. So different from one year ago. Once again, I'm reminded of how much she's grown.
Then, there's Keelyn. Last year at this time, she was napping in a sling each week during Hailey's ballet class. This year, she stood and colored, while making her way to the door of Hailey's classroom every five minutes and pouting for her sister. No lie, when we went in to get Hailey at the end of class, I put a squirmy Keelyn down on the floor, and they ran to each other with open arms. You could almost hear the crescendo in the middle of some cheesy 70's movie as they met in a field full of daffodils there, the world spinning around them. What is Keelyn going to think when we drop Hailey off at school and she's gone for a whole three hours!? I know it will become the norm, and we'll certainly fill our time, but it will be different.

I have to say, I can remember times when Keelyn was newborn, and I would cherish her little naps, as they allowed me time to reconnect with Hailey in the way I had when she was my only. Of course I adored my new baby, and I loved the time we had together now as a bigger family, but I had a strong understanding of how much Hailey needed those moments. When I look at Keelyn's life to now, I realize that I may have neglected to understand her need (which is most certainly there) for that same kind of connection. We've had pockets of time on our own, and we have an amazing bond, but most of her life, she's shared me. It makes me feel great to know that she will get that one on one time soon, and that Hailey will be getting what she now needs in her big girl life as well...time with peers and cotton balls and macaroni noodles.

I spent the entire drive home from the dance studio at noon today, doing everything in my power to try to keep Keelyn awake. I was unsuccessful. Even though it was a mere 10 minutes (a frequently interrupted 10 minutes, I should add), she's in her crib now, fighting her nap as she argues with me through her screams that she has already taken one. You know, that one in the car?

(This is her trying to stay awake as I sing songs to her at the top of my lungs...if you look closely, you can tell that her brow is up and she actually believes her eyes are open and she's humoring me, when in fact, I know she's sleeping.)
This is a drive I will make at the same time of day, four days a week as we cart her sister around from one chosen obligation to the next. We scarfed lunch down a good hour after what our usual routine allows, and went down for naps 30 minutes later than normal, immediately following the belly stuffing. Before I can take a deep breath, children will be awake again, it will be afternoon, then dinner, then baths, then bed, then all the things that have to be done but couldn't be during the day, and oh, why HELLO HUSBAND, NICE TO MEET YOU. Not to mention that Hailey will be essentially gone all day on school days, as she'll be at school in the morning, home for lunch, and then in her room for her usual two hour nap. I'll hardly see her. I'll be creating pockets of time for her now...missing her in between.

This is our new normal. I will have to learn to do dishes another time. I'll have to learn to get my kids dressed faster in the mornings. The kids will have to learn that mornings don't include a leisurely meal of dry cheerios over the course of an hour of play time before a leisurely cartoon and a leisurely clothing of themselves which also often involves changing outfits a few hundred times before a leisurely tooth brushing and a leisurely hair doing, and so on. I'll have to get used to leaving the house a mess, because we have places to be. I'll have to learn to keep Keelyn awake, bless her heart. I'll have to show Keelyn how much fun she can have, even when Hailey's not here. And, I'll have to enroll Keelyn in a fun class of her own, since she's too young for dance, yet so eager to jump in.

I don't know how Hailey's going to handle this. I can already see the stress weighing on her through some behaviors at home. We're throwing a lot at her. I know she'll enjoy it. I know she'll have fun. I know in lots of different ways, this is good for all of us. I just hope I find the right way to help her through this transition time, as transitions usually hit her pretty hard, even when it's not obvious on the surface. The stress manifests in many ways, and right now, I'm perched high on a watch tower, hoping to see the explosion before it reaches our surrounding neighborhoods.

Keeks is a big girl!

Today is Keelyn's half birthday. She's 18 months old. When I think of the changes over the past six months, I can hardly believe who she was, and who she is now.She's grown more and more into the personality we saw right from the start. She's determined, she goes with the flow, and she's happy.
She has so many words, we lost count at about 150. It blows my mind to think about her little mind, and all it's been doing. It's amazing to hear her vocalize her thoughts (one word at a time), and to understand just how much she understands. She's extremely conversational.

Her favorite words include, Mommy, MOMMY, mommy-mommy-mommy-mommy, MOMMY!!!, yellow (as apparently everything with a color is first yellow before anything else), three (because she figured out how to count past two), chocolate (for obvious reasons), Uh-Oh (which could mean just about anything just happened), elephant (because it's such a fun word to hear yourself say), and Hailey (because she has the coolest big sister in the world). She spends so much of her day now, as a part of the real day. Doing what we do. Chatting as we chat. Nodding, laughing, squealing with us. She eats what we eat. Sleeps when we sleep.She's begun to really exercise her rights as an 18 month old as well. You know, like the right to throw a fit that involves flailing arms and refusal to move by being both a limp noodle and a 400lb. weight all at once?
She's eager to play on her own, and often we find her enveloped in a project that takes a half hour or more. Usually this includes some sort of nurturing a baby doll or cooking in the play kitchen. She has an incredible ability to concentrate and remain patient with herself as she explores an activity. She's even begun to love to sit and color or play with play-doh for a bit with her big sister.Even though we've been through this phase before with Hailey, it's still new, and fun, and amazing every single day. Keelyn is her own little person. She's loving, helpful, and as cuddly as a mommy could want her little one to be. She makes our lives so great, just look at that smile!

A Sister for the Summer

Hailey starts preschool in just a few short weeks (a fact about which I am mostly in denial), and for completely selfish reasons, I am totally bummed.

I'm also unselfishly bummed for Keelyn's sake, in the fact that she's losing a buddy, and will have to stick with Mom all morning instead, while Hailey is off gluing things and playing on the playground. I just don't think I compare.

Don't worry, this is not a sad post, but if you want to read something other than my mushy loviness for my kids and their sisterly sisterness and how sad I am that it will be interrupted very soon from it's 24/7 festival of sisterhood, check back in, oh, 20 years.

So let's go over just how great it is to have a sister...

Someone to giggle with...
Someone to watch the rain with (Hailey set up the chairs just for the two of them)...
Someone to craft with...
Someone to push you around the house...
Someone to match with in adorable bathing suits...also pictured: someone to play baby dolls with (a two-for!)...
Someone to be silly with...

And perhaps most importantly, someone to snuggle with...

Sure, Keelyn will get some one-on-one time that she's not had with Mommy yet. And sure, Hailey will be doing all kinds of cool things at preschool. But I just don't think they'll find this in anyone other than each other. They are already working on such a wonderful bond. They are each other's best buddy, and they adore one another. So warm and fuzzy.

Learning to Swim

Procrastinator that I am, when I finally got around to signing Hailey up for swimming lessons back in June, the only week left for her age level at a time that worked was the second week of August!! So, we waited all summer to officially learn to blow bubbles in the pool.

Hailey did so well. She was the first in the pool every day, thought nothing of the fact that her instructor was nowhere near the teenage girl most of them are, and mastered every skill like she'd been doing it for years.

Which she hasn't. She's normally quite the little clingster in the pool. She is also not a fan of anything at all touching her face...particularly wet things...like water. In fact, just last night she was screaming bloody murder when a drop of water might possibly have thought about running down her cheek in the approachable vicinity of her eye.

But somehow, the swimming lessons make it different.

(I enjoy this picture, as it demonstrates just how much her instructor was paying attention to the children swimming...but don't worry, she has a floaty thing, right?)
So, we had the very refreshing change from our normal summer routine, which involves waking up, determining it is in fact too hot to do anything at all outside, and then going to Target. Instead, we hurried through breakfast, put on our swimsuits, and headed to the pool every morning. Keelyn and I then enjoyed 30 minutes of snack time in comfortably warm clothes, as Hailey braved the ice cold covered pool, shivering, chattering teeth, and all, before we all headed over to the spray park and enjoyed some sunshine, in what I happen to believe is just about the best possible way to enjoy it.

The kids both had a blast, and it was really a treat to have an excuse to get up every day, worry about nothing, and get out of the house. Though swimming lessons are offered year round, I think Hailey will be busy enough between preschool and dance, that we'll hold off until next summer to take the plunge again. Except next time, maybe I will get my act together, and she can do so in June.

I just loved that each morning I got to watch her grow. I was so proud of her for how bravely she took each new stride, and it made me realize just how big she's getting. What a wonderful girl.

The Valley Girl in Me

Lately I've found myself laughing a lot at what Hailey comes up with (and I'm pretty sure I know where she's learning her expressions)...

From her little mind, we learned on our recent trip that Keelyn is obsessed with baby dolls, and Emma, a baby doll herself, is obsessed with elevators. It's her new favorite word, and I'm obsessed with hearing it.

While pushing a baby stroller and gathering goods for a "trip" in the living room the other day, she looked straight at me and said, "Excuse me, sir, like how long does it take on Google Maps?"

On the way home from swimming lessons last week, Keelyn fell asleep. Hailey was helping me out by making desperate attempts to wake her, when she briefly opened her eyes and grinned before returning to her slumber. Hailey giggled, and said, "Mommy, Keelyn just looked at me, and she was like 'Dude, when's lunch?,' and then she went back to sleep." To which I was all, "Dude, did you just say Dude?" And she was all, "Yes."

And finally, one that rubbed off from her Daddy...and Jimmy Buffet. We picked a tomato from the garden today, and I told her we were having burgers tonight, so we can put them on the burgers. To which she responded, "You guys can have tomatoes, I just want mine to have Paradise and cheese."

Does it get any cuter?

Ahh, South Carolina

So, enough delay already...OUR TRIP!!!

A little background for those who don't know me so well. My brother, Cooper, is the traveler of the family. He and I have a lot in common when it comes to things like money and politics and how to treat other people, but traveler, I am not. I'm a homebody. Not that I don't like to go see new places, but spending months in other countries is not my cup of tea...unless I could pack my whole family in a suitcase and take them with me...in which case, yes! I'd love to go somewhere new and fresh and not so stinkin' hot! Anyway, he's seeing all there is to see, and he's busy helping other people and getting an education at the same time. So, he's lived in Spain, Mexico, and Bolivia, and now he's in ...drum roll, please... South Carolina!!!

Come on ya'll. Isn't that exotic and exciting?!?! South Carolina! Of all those beautiful places he's lived...South Carolina is the one we've visited!!! But don't be too alarmed at his choice that seems so tame and close to home. He's a grad student now at USC. He'll soon be off to China...he just has to school himself on all things international business beforehand. And learn Chinese. You know, so he can be tri-lingual. People will be begging him to come work for them when he finishes this degree. Love ya, Coop.

So, yeah, the trip. Right.

If you have kids, you know that taking them to a hotel is enough in and of itself. We could drive around the corner to the Holiday Inn, and they'd be all, this is the best vacation we've ever had Mom! There's a pool! And elevators! And beds! And toilets! And look! Little bottles of shampoo!

So, we stayed at the Hampton Inn in the Vista area of downtown Columbia. I tell you the specifics because it was awesome, and if you ever go to Columbia, SC, you absolutely must without question 100% stay there and absolutely nowhere else the end.

Here's why.

1. Warm cookies baked fresh daily for you to pick up as you leave the hotel to go on outings. Good ones. Gooey, couldn't have made them better myself with my grandma, kind of goodness.

2. Enormous breakfast included in very low price which they call continental and is in fact eggs and waffles and all manner of everything else you can think of. Did I mention waffles?

3. Prepare yourself for this...FREE ROOM!!! And why? It goes something like this. We started out in a room with a toilet that did not flush. At 10:30pm they moved us to a room with a toilet that did flush. That might sound like a hassle, and it kinda was, but we were awake, and everyone was super nice, and the kids thought it was very cool. Here's the kicker. The toilet in the new room flushed TWICE, people. Every time you pushed the lever. I'm tellin' ya. When they fix a problem, they FIX a problem. And then, in the morning when we went down to check out, we mentioned the whole ordeal in hopes of getting a later check out, and the lady was all, Okay, well I can offer you the Hampton Inn 100% guarantee, and we were all, what's that, and she was all, I refund you ALL YOUR MONEY! Seriously.So, we toured campus, which is absolutely big-old-tree kind of beautiful. It's the kind of campus you could walk around for hours, and just feel quiet and thoughtful. For that matter, the whole area surrounding it is that way, too.Here's Coop in front of the building where his classes are held. He stays in one room with the same people for the whole day of classes, and the teachers come to him. We went up to see the classroom, but it was locked. If you ask Hailey, she'll tell you all we got to see was a big wooden door, but that was the room where Cooper has dance class. She thinks that's what people learn in classrooms. School is going to blow her mind.See what I mean? Beautiful campus. Special trees, just after a nice rain. Happy family.On Saturday we decided to grab the bull by the horns and tackle all things kid that can be tackled in Columbia, starting with the zoo. It's a great city zoo where the animals are easily visible, and it can be walked with a baby on your back in about 2.5 hours. When we arrived, we heard monkeys singing, only to find that right around the corner, they were putting on their own little show. We stood and watched as they swung themselves around and yapped at one another...one even played his lips for Hailey. The kids loved it.Keelyn perched here for a while. When with lions...So after lunch, since a zoo trip isn't nearly enough to wear two little buggers out, we headed off to EdVenture, which happens to be one of the largest children's museums in the country. It was incredible. The girls sat and ordered lunch from their favorite short order cook...Got to sit on the other side of the dentist's chair...
We raced boats across the rapids and falls of a 200 foot stainless steel water table...And the favorite for the littlest of the bunch...carrying bunches of vegetables at the kid-sized PigglyWiggly.
Lucky for her, I took a cart off the hands of two unsuspecting kids as they finished up their play (sorry kids...I really didn't mean it)...And Hailey managed to fend for herself...Where is this enthusiasm on Monday mornings at the real grocery store? (Actually, the next time we visited one of the real variety, Keelyn threw a fit because I stopped her from running off with arms full of boxes from the bottom shelf of the pasta aisle. This pretend stuff can get confusing.)They loved the chance to drive a real fire truck...To go fishing off the coast of Africa...And to play the piano with their toes!
After the museum, we loaded up and went for a visit with our dear friends, Jen and Fred, and their little cutie pie, Ellie. We attempted to celebrate our anniversaries together, because on that night, theirs was the day before, and ours was the day to come, but the kids were up late, and it became a family thing. Fred and Jen made a delicious dinner, and then we watched The Little Mermaid.

Here are the kids the next morning exhibiting their exhaustion. Two nights in a row of sleeping 11pm-7am, barely a nap, and crazy parents pushing them to limits they'd not known before. As you can see, they also managed to wear Ellie out, bless her tired heart. (She did not stay up till 11pm the night before like my children. Nope. Only mine are that insane.)The next morning, we headed to our other good friends' house, Renee and Philip, and still-new-baby, Asher. As you can see, Hailey enjoyed this very much. And, did I mention the pancakes? I think this trip was basically breakfast heaven in my book!It was an awesome trip, and I cannot believe that I just finished this post. Oh my fingers. Goodnight.

WooHoooo

UPDATE (with a picture for an extra bonus!!):

If you are checking back to see if I've written anything more interesting than this morning, my apologies. And also, you rock. As the past two hours have indicated, Keelyn is apparently in need of a little extra lovin' from the Mama tonight. Apparently a certain two Emmits, a bunny, a blankie, and a Baby Tilley just aren't pulling their weight. (Ahem, guys, didn't I mention I needed to blog tonight?)

As you can tell by my willingness to now blog directly to inanimate objects, I've lost all ability to reason due to incessant crying from a little tiny baby who doesn't want to go to sleep unless I am willing to climb into her crib with her. Or, maybe she knew I wanted to blog, and she's just clarifying who runs this joint. (Truth be told, I'm enjoying the cuddles.)

Either way, I'm sayin' peace out. Word to your mother. Can you handle this rockstar?

ORIGINAL POST:

I have a new computer, ya'll. And I'm BLOGGING on it!!! Really, I have nothing to say. I'm just so tickled I had to write just so that I could say that I have a new computer! And I'm blogging on it!!!

And I am so behind on things both in the computer and around it (Just you wait until I blog about our bedroom...or what used to be a place where we could peacefully sleep anyway). (I've learned that having no computer actually makes me inexplicably lazy when it comes to all other things as well, and my entire routine is off kilter...sad truth).

I can hardly see straight. Bleh. I have a list as long as the time I was without my beloved technology, and now I will be playing catch up. Oh, and I got a new cell phone, and I can't even figure out how to answer the damn thing, so stick with me people, I'll get there.

Expect MANY blog posts very soon. A thorn in my side because I like to blog in REAL TIME as things happen, and this will all be late, making other things late, and my mind just might implode. But it can't, because then I would REALLY get behind. And I made notes. I have NOTES! I will blog from notes.

So, more blogging soon. Possible today. POSSIBLY TWO IN ONE DAY! Oh my, how this excites me. But no pressure, Cass...possibly tomorrow.

Oooh! Suspense. Should you check back later? How will you know? How will you decide? Are you as excited about this as I am????

it's all about that tax free weekend

So our computer has been busted for months. Busted.

Busted like it was when we got it, only worse. I know that analogy means nothing to you, as I was not blogging at the time, but suffice it to say that, had I been blogging, you'd have heard about it. And I would have beat it like a dead horse.

So much so, that I'm still beating the dead, smelly, fly infested carcass three years later. Actually, a literal beating of the technologically challenged piece of death may not be a bad idea. I'm thinking Office Space. Anyone want in?

We bought this computer from a certain unnamed refurbished computer store. And by unnamed, I mean the one with the name that refers to a large cat. And rhymes with diger tirect. That's all I'm saying about that.

But that's not important. What is important, is that within days of the purchase, we knew there were issues with the computer, but the manager at the store was unwilling to help, and so we were forced to use a ghettofied computer until we drove it into the ground, along with all of its annoying, unforgiving imperfections.

Last week, it finally busted so it can't bust no more.

Most people would be pissed. But because I backed everything up constantly, knowing the impending bust was always just around the next bend, I, on the other hand, heard angels singing. My angels sing the Hallelujah Chorus, if you were wondering. Isn't that what most people's angels sing?

Go on. Enjoy it for a moment.

And, now enjoy the fact that I cannot blog about the amazingly wonderful trip we had last weekend, because I would not be able to include the amazingly wonderful pictures I got because they are NOT going on the blog without first meeting my good friend PhotoShop. You know her. She'll keep you company all night.

All night long. (all night) (all night) All night lo-ong. (all night)

(Has anyone else noticed a lot of music in my head?) (Good thing you aren't actually in my head...the soundtrack would scare you. It's constant.)

(In a perfect world, I'm pretty sure we'd all communicate with songs from the 80's and early 90's.)

(Okay, I think we've talked about this enough. It's getting awkward.)

But. The trip. Oh, it was great. There was time in South Carolina with my little bro. Time conquering all things kid there are to conquer in Columbia, including, but not limited to, a zoo trip with private dancing monkeys, grocery shopping for the coolest fake food ever created, and running like aforementioned monkeys back and forth across hotel beds. Because that's what hotel beds are made for. And because, children are basically monkeys. Then, a visit with some of our best friends in Charlotte. First, Jen and Fred. Then, Renee and Philip. And of course their babies.

Everyone was lovely. The drive was lovely. The girls were lovely. Even the lack of adequate sleep was quite lovely. The molar Keelyn brought home was lovely. And so was the big old dinner of crab legs and brie we had at 9pm after we got settled back at home and had the kids to bed.

The dinner...because Sunday was our six year anniversary. The good news is we still love each other. The bad news is we're starting to unintentionally dress the same, while also finding less need for conversation as one syllable at the beginning of what was intended to be a long thought out point, is enough to convey said point, making it no longer necessary to talk about anything worth discussing, leaving us to discuss things like the length of our toes. Or how to outsmart our kids.

But, no PhotoShop + tiny laptop keyboard = YOU HAVE TO WAIT for a proper recap of our trip.

And YOU HAVE TO WAIT + tax free weekend coming up = YOU HAVE TO WAIT LONGER.

Soon though, expect a full recap, complete with photos, possibly videos, impossible promises, and smellivision. Oooohh! I know that'll bring you back. I'm talking about the soy milk we let curdle in a cooler we forgot about that was not so cool by the time we got that bad boy home and opened it up. And I'll leave you with that. Yellow, curdled soy milk. You're welcome and goodnight.